when people around the office ask me why i don’t have bottom gums i used to tell them it was because nobody ever becomes successful without giving up a piece of themselves. for a while it was the perfect excuse and it made a lot of sense, logically. but now that i’m older and wiser, i’m beginning to think maybe the real reason i don’t have gums is because i swallowed them during my sophmore year in college, when i drank an entire case of zima and mistook them for a swedish fish. i suppose i should have known what was happening at the time, what with the blood and all but i was just a kid. i barely owned a computer.
whenever one of our staff members calls in sick here at uncooked, we automatically think they’re lying and trying to pull a ferris bueller on us. so when julie, one of our writers called in sick yesterday with the flu we all knew she was lying. that night a few of us dressed up like sloman shield thieves and broke into her house. we stole her television, some expensive looking glassware and a few area rugs that caught our eye. we even killed her roommate to make sure she got the message. the next day julie showed up to work feeling much better and didn’t say a word about the home intrusion or dead body in the kitchen. either she’s playing with us or we accidentally robbed the wrong house but the point is, lock your doors people….especially during flu season.
lately i’ve been thinking a lot about leisure. i’ve always loved leisure so it makes sense that i would start thinking about it. the other day i even made a list of leisurely activities and decided to do one new leisurely thing a day. it was going fine until i realized all this new leisure i was engaging in was the exact opposite of what leisure actually is. i just can’t believe i let myself get tricked like that, by myself of all people.
normally i’m not a quitter but i think it’s time i quit horse back riding. i think i’m getting too old for it and no matter how hard i try, i don’t think i’ll ever be able to jump fences or compete professionally. besides, i live in the city and there’s never any horses around anyway. i mean, i’ve never even tried to ride before so it’s not really like i’m quitting. i’m just giving up on something i don’t even care about which, if you think about, doesn’t even make any sense.
every time i go into an electronic store the sales associates are always trying to push the most expensive products on me and i want to tell them i work at a deli and i don’t have that kind of cash but the truth is i don’t even work at a deli. they won’t hire me because i served time, for robbing an electronic store. it’s so funny, the way the world works.
a good invention would be an electric car that runs on tic tacs instead of electricity because the electric car has already been invented and right now nobody’s using tic tacs for anything like this so right there, it’d get people talking. plus, the owner of tic tacs would love this idea because he would sell so many more tic tacs so you wouldn’t have to worry about getting sued.
i’m always amazed how perfect my feet look next to my boyfriends. mine are so straight and tiny. his have hair everywhere. my toes are perfectly aligned, his are all crooked. mine always taste sweet, like diet fruit punch. his always taste awful, like sauerkraut.
Sometimes when I look in the mirror I think about breaking up with my boyfriend. It just seems so unfair that he’s the only one that gets to look into my eyes or run his fingers through my upper lip hair. Why should he be the only one who gets to place his tongue in my mouth or rub lotion on my eczema? What makes him so special that he gets to be with someone who could be with a fitness model if she lost sixty pounds and covered her bald spot? I’m pretty sure I could wheel myself out the door right now and get any guy I wanted, I’m just waiting for my plastic hand to come in the mail.
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Every time I walk down the street people are always asking me “where’d you get your hair done” and “who makes those shoes” and “how do you stay so trim” when the whole time I’m wondering how come nobody’s asking me “why are you walking around with your dead cat in a sack”? It’s just funny, the things people want to know.
I never really got much from my mom, besides her unquenchable love for rolos, but one thing she told me that I’ll never forget was to never marry someone for money no matter how ugly he is. Or maybe she said never marry someone ugly no matter how much money he has? Oh well, joke’s on her because I married someone both ugly and poor. So ha!
