Hey, June

Horoscope Friday

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) | Sometimes we forget how to be people. But, don’t worry – it’s all coming back to you now.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) | If you’re not having fun, you’re doing it wrong. Unless you’re idea of fun is stealing candy from babies, then that’s wrong, too.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20) | You’re suddenly very attractive and interesting this week. Maybe it’s because you switched from pleated slacks to jeans.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22) | Exposing your sensitive side can be scary, but so is being alone forever.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22) | Don’t be so uptight so people will start to think you’re a real person – if you’re into that sort of thing.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22) | Facts and logic have nothing to do with love. Just like facts and logic have nothing to do with why you want to wear leather pants in the dead of summer.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22) | Those screaming voices in your head are probably all your suppressed feelings trying to tell you something. It’s about time you paid attention.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) | Go to a coffee shop or a record store or a book store – this weekend’s looking good for the starts of a romantic comedy.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) | It’s easy for you to make friends, but not so easy to keep them. It’s probably because you’re easy, you know, sexually.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) | Crushes on colleagues provide for hours of entertainment when you’re supposed to be working. How far you go is up to you and HR.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) | Sometimes it’s not your fault that you can’t always go play, but when you can – it’s like getting free ham for life.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20) | Confide in someone special this weekend and have secret conversations about your bowel movements or your fear of bald cats.

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Written by: on May 31, 2013

Happy memorial day!

 

 

If at all possible, quickly run to a beach and celebrate the last bit of your Memorial Day weekend. Your pasty legs could use some color. And, while we’re at it, your breath could use some minty refreshment.

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Written by: on May 27, 2013

Let the memorializing fun begin

Horoscope Friday

 

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) | Even in relationships you can’t have your cake and eat it, too. Memorial Day weekend’s the time to make your tricky decisions, even if one leads to thunder thighs.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) | We can’t all be the best lovers with the sexiest partners, some people are, just not you. It’s time you realized what everyone else already knew.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20) | Love isn’t so bad — you’re just not getting any. That’ll all change very soon. Get your sexyface ready for the long weekend.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22) | Plans were made to be broken. So were eggs. How else do you have an omelet? And, when I say, “omelet,“ I mean spontaneous fun.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22) | It may be your fantasy to dress up as a bunny and wash the car, but that seems weird to other people. Just remember that this weekend.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22) | Leave your morals and good judgments at home. You won’t be needing them this weekend, if you know what I mean. If not, it means you’ll get some. Some fun new friends, of course.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22) | Honesty is only the best policy to those not being told their haircut looks bad or their laugh is obnoxious. It is ok to tell the guy with stinky cheese feet he smells, though.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) | Those warm gushy feelings inside should be shared with the person that makes you warm and gushy. And, maybe a doctor just in case.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) | It’s good to learn from the past, but not okay to still live in it. The past didn’t have the Kardashians or Dorito’s flavored tacos. Today’s so much better.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) | Life’s tough sometimes. Bills need to be paid, relatives to be visited, and part-time lovers you need to tell that you’re married. But, we all have to do it. Unless you’re rich and famous. But, you’re probably not if you’re reading this.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) | Shady people need friends, too. But, it doesn’t have to be you. So, choose wisely about who you trust, like the guy at the deli who makes you salad with extra dressing.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20) | This weekend’s the perfect time to pretend reality doesn’t exist. Especially the part about how you’ll still have to go back to work on Tuesday even though you peed on your boss’s car.

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Written by: on May 24, 2013

It’s BBQ season!

 

I hope you’ve all prepared for the warm weather and the meat-fest that is summer. In order to get you ready, there are a few things I like to do to ensure a successful party:

1. Invite really pretentious people
2. Make someone else cook
3. Ensure it’s undercooked so everyone gets food poisoning
4. Contract STD from strangers in front of guests
5. Invite everyone back for the 4th of July, but don’t really mean it
6. Apologize for such a sucky party

And, that’s how you have a successful party! And, when I say, “successful,” I mean “awkward failure.” Same thing, right?

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Written by: on May 21, 2013

Get ready for awkward tanlines

Horoscope Friday

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) | Go for what you want. You might be surprised at how easy it is to convince people to like you with booze and expensive gifts.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) | Stick to what you do best this weekend, like meowing like a cat or naming all the Presidents, it’s bound to impress someone.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20) | You may not notice it, but you’re so hard to read sometimes. If only we could crawl inside your head, but that might get messy.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22) | It’s amazing what you learn when you listen to other people talk, like there are free frozen bananas down the street.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22) | Your wandering eye’s got the best of you this weekend, but don’t let it get lost or fall out or anything weird. Keep it together, man.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22) | Experiment with new things this weekend, like ham popsicles or speed dating. You never know which will be surprisingly good.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22) | Friends are a great way to get through life’s tough decisions. They’re usually wrong, but it’s still nice they care and that they bring snacks.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) | Nobody likes a control freak or the smell of feces. Trust me, I checked.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) | Don’t be fooled by tempting offers and shady deals from anyone. Like the Girl Scouts and their monopoly on cookies.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) | Sometimes there really is a right way and a wrong way to do things, and you’re probably doing it wrong. Especially when you wear your underwear over your pants.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) | So far things are good, but nothing lasts forever. Like your looks or cupcakes.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20) | Relationships wouldn’t be any fun if you agreed on everything all the time. How could you have make-up sex without getting angry first?

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Written by: on May 17, 2013

Happy mother’s day!

 

Ok, it’s not mother’s day, but close enough. Luckily, you still have time to send her the greatest gift of all: a mother’s day card thanking her for not boozing it up. A close runner up would be getting her a second home on a secluded beach on a secluded island and a private jet. And, if you forgot what you were like as a kid this blog should help remind you how much kids cry at everything. I cry at everything too, but in a much more sophisticated adult way.

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Written by: on May 9, 2013

10 signs you might be a teacher

 

You may be a teacher and you don’t even know it. Anyone can be a teacher, if you believe. See? I just taught you something. I’m a teacher! That homeless guy in the alley? He’s a teacher for us all on how to not be a homeless guy in the alley. He’s also a pretty good teacher for making foil hats and swords.

It’s tricky to figure out if you’re a teacher or not, but these are the 10 telltale signs:

1. You start talking and just hope someone’s listening.
2. You judge people based on different criteria.
3. You’re always the center of attention.
4. You have all the answers.
5. Everyone acts like children around you.
6. People ask you stupid questions.
7. You pretend people aren’t stupid.
8. Someone’s always making fun of you.
9. You can read this list. And, write a better one.
10. You like apples.

Some teachers are better than others, though. Like the ones that do it for a living and know smarter things than how much gelatin dessert can fit in your pocket. Although, I’ve found that’s a vital survival skill. Either way, happy teacher appreciation week!

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Written by: on May 7, 2013

Feliz tres de mayo

Horoscope Friday

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) | We can’t all be winners. Especially you this weekend, because everyone forgot to tell you about their cinco de mayo party.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) | From just the right angle, you sort of resemble a burrito. Save some guacamole for someone special to rub on their bellies. Or something less offensive.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20) | Even if you didn’t plan it, this weekend’s party is at your casa. I hope you cleaned the toilet.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22) | You might be inspired by the international nature of this weekend, but make sure you get the theme right this time. Eggrolls don’t really go well with queso.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22) | Don’t let facts and history overshadow your own misinterpretations of this weekend. Your ignorance is our bliss.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22) | Real life is so boring sometimes. Take a break and do something you’d never do, like put pants on and socialize with real people.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22) | This weekend’s a great time to take advantage of your favorite hobbies: drinking, eating, looking like an idiot, and pretending you know Spanish.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) | Sometimes the hardest lesson is learning that you don’t know everything. This lesson will happen this week if you don’t google all the latest Internet memes before you go out.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) | Indulge in sexy fantasies, like eating chili in bed without anyone getting mad at you for getting sour cream in their ear.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) | It’s amazing what you can find outside. There’s dog poop, baby stores, and people that you can make googly eyes at. Try it.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) | Every once in a while it’s ok to fight for what you want, because you get really sucky later when you realize you never get your way.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20) | You’re a love fool this weekend, just don’t do it in public. People need to keep their lunches down.

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Written by: on May 3, 2013

ODE to EOD

 

 

  • Pretending to work;
  • Ignoring that jerk;
  • Freezing in the summer;
  • Sweating in the winter;
  • My pants are too tight.
  • Why can’t anything go right?
  • Coffee breaks, I take too many;
  • Bathroom breaks, in the door that says, “lady”;
  • Lunch is but a tease;
  • End Of Day, hurry, please.
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Written by: on May 1, 2013

TGIF: Tossing Goblets Is Fun

Horoscope Friday

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) | Good things come to people who wait. Not impatient people who text you every 10 minutes to say “hi.”

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) | Be adventurous this weekend. Everyone will be so impressed by your enthusiasm that it’ll hide the stupid thing you end up choosing, like an underwater jazz-cooking class.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20) | Now’s the time you explored the exciting world of the unknown. Like what it’s like to eat 20 twinkies for breakfast or online dating.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22) | You’ll form a secret connection with someone if you arent too busy watching reruns of American Idol.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22) | All your staple single pick up spots are catching on to your moves. Mix it up and go somewhere new. Somewhere with people that don’t already know how desperate you are.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22) | When caught in awkward situations it’s best to just laugh awkwardly and back away. Like when the mailman asks why there’s always peanut butter on your mailbox.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22) | You’ve got to know when to hold them, and when to fold them. I think that’s in reference to your laundry. Some events just aren’t worth putting pants on for.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) | If you manage to not be a jerk this weekend people may actually like you enough to do whatever stupid thing you want. Like fall in love with you or get you sandwich.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) | Attention to detail is what could keep you from sending those awkward auto-correct text messages about your mom’s toes to your sexy-time friends.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) | You’re a lot more enjoyable without the stick up your butt. It may surprise you, but sticks don’t go there.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) | Your natural inclination to never socialize is perfectly acceptable every so often. Luckily, this is your week. Live it up like the hermit you were meant to be.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20) | While playing mind games were all the rage in the 80’s, it’s time you said what you really think: cooked egg yolks are gross.

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Written by: on April 26, 2013