Uncooked

lately i’ve been thinking about dating my dentist. he’s always asking me out for croissants and complimenting me on my footwear. besides the fact that he’s short, extremely violent and wears a prosthetic nose two sizes too big for his face, i don’t see what’s stopping us. after all, my parents are always telling me they want me to marry a doctor. i know i could do better and marry a guy who sells bick pens or whatever but i don’t feel like waiting for prince charming to come along when a rich doctor is right in front of me. i mean, if he can get over the fact that i don’t have a discernible hairline and don’t believe in dinosaurs, surely i can accept his mean streak and rubber shnozzle. just as long as it doesn’t fall off on me while we’re making out.

a few months ago i wanted to surprise myself with something nice, like a sexy new scent or a long glittery necklace that shows off my elongated nape. i really wanted it to be a surprise so i went to barneys with my eyes closed and felt my way around the department store in search of the perfect present. as i was in the shoe department feeling all the shoes with my pudgy fingers, a man approached me and offered to assist me. i could see through my squinted eyes that he was tall and handsome, like a catalog model. plus, he seemed so kind and friendly, i couldn’t bring myself to tell him i wasn’t actually blind and that i was just trying to surprise myself with a present. for the rest of the day, i let him guide me around barneys as we giggled about things like long ankle hair and cindy crawford’s new denim inspired home collection for jc penny. we hit it off so well, i felt bad about tricking him all day. i knew if i wanted to be with him, i would have to confess my first lie and then immediately tell him an even bigger lie to distract him. without thinking, i opened my eyes and blurted out that i wasn’t blind but that my mother has sex with lobsters in her backyard. I have no idea why i said this, or where this came from, but he believed me. he was so disgusted by this news, he had totally forgotten i was supposed to be blind. it’s been three months and he still hasn’t said anything. he says he never wants to meet my mother but that’s okay, i’m pretty sure as long as i’m happy, she’s happy.

Some helpful etiquette tips we here at Uncooked have learned throughout the years to help you be a better guest…

Don’t take your shoes and socks off and submerge your feet in their furniture. You have no idea how filthy that couch or chair is that you’re nudging your toes into.

Don’t rummage through their electrical box or cut any wires unless you know what you’re doing or know someone who knows what they’re doing.

Ask permission to use and do everything, even if it’s just to go from one room to the other.

Don’t have the locks changed and surprise your host with a new set of keys while he or she is on the toilet.

Don’t go through their personal phone book and scratch out all the names and numbers of people starting with the letter r.

Don’t throw out any toiletries, bathroom products or food items that you think you might be allergic to.

Don’t pour all the laundry detergent down the garbage disposal and ask your host to pick up some more next time they’re at the store.

Don’t rip up their carpeting and install wood flooring while they’re out walking the dog at night.

Don’t lie and tell them you’re in town because you’re training to be a professional hairstylist to the stars if you’re not.

Don’t draw up plans with an architect to build an addition to the back of their house and make secret phone calls to the architect about said plans throughout your stay.

Don’t drain their pool or their neighbor’s pool in the middle of the night unless they specifically ask you to. If you’re unclear, get it in writing.

Don’t put their house on the market and field offers for them in your spare time.

Upon leaving, plug everything that you unplugged during your stay back in, even the plugs you unplugged that didn’t need to be plugged in in the first place.

i’ll never understand why doctors are always hanging out at hospitals. doctors are basically the most richest people in the world, they have so much money and such exquisite taste, you’d think they’d hate hospitals as much as the rest of us. not only is the food bad but the whole place smells like butts and fingers. maybe it’s just me but if i were a doctor, i sure as hell wouldn’t be hanging out at a hospital everyday. i’d be cruising around on my million dollar sailboat, talking flippantly to my under nourished boat crew about loafers and wrist watches, as if they could afford such fine statement pieces.

when people around the office ask me why i don’t have bottom gums i used to tell them it was because nobody ever becomes successful without giving up a piece of themselves. for a while it was the perfect excuse and it made a lot of sense, logically. but now that i’m older and wiser, i’m beginning to think maybe the real reason i don’t have gums is because i swallowed them during my sophmore year in college, when i drank an entire case of zima and mistook them for a swedish fish. i suppose i should have known what was happening at the time, what with the blood and all but i was just a kid. i barely owned a computer.

whenever one of our staff members calls in sick here at uncooked, we automatically think they’re lying and trying to pull a ferris bueller on us. so when julie, one of our writers called in sick yesterday with the flu we all knew she was lying. that night a few of us dressed up like sloman shield thieves and broke into her house. we stole her television, some expensive looking glassware and a few area rugs that caught our eye.  we even killed her roommate to make sure she got the message. the next day julie showed up to work feeling much better and didn’t say a word about the home intrusion or dead body in the kitchen. either she’s playing with us or we accidentally robbed the wrong house but the point is, lock your doors people….especially during flu season.

lately i’ve been thinking a lot about leisure. i’ve always loved leisure so it makes sense that i would start thinking about it. the other day i even made a list of leisurely activities and decided to do one new leisurely thing a day. it was going fine until i realized all this new leisure i was engaging in was the exact opposite of what leisure actually is. i just can’t believe i let myself get tricked like that, by myself of all people.

normally i’m not a quitter but i think it’s time i quit horse back riding. i think i’m getting too old for it and no matter how hard i try, i don’t think i’ll ever be able to jump fences or compete professionally. besides, i live in the city and there’s never any horses around anyway. i mean, i’ve never even tried to ride before so it’s not really like i’m quitting. i’m just giving up on something i don’t even care about which, if you think about, doesn’t even make any sense.

every time i go into an electronic store the sales associates are always trying to push the most expensive products on me and i want to tell them i work at a deli and i don’t have that kind of cash but the truth is i don’t even work at a deli. they won’t hire me because i served time,  for robbing an electronic store. it’s so funny, the way the world works.

a good invention would be an electric car that runs on tic tacs instead of electricity because the electric car has already been invented and right now nobody’s using tic tacs for anything like this so right there, it’d get people talking. plus, the owner of tic tacs would love this idea because he would sell so many more tic tacs so you wouldn’t have to worry about getting sued.