Uncooked

this cards for you.  and we feel your pain. everyone hates us too.

and for more on that lady that everyone hates her because she’s beautiful: http://tinyurl.com/cjbrnr3

anyone who tries to tell you they have an important message from the future is lying. as are the people who warn you about the people who tell you they have an important message from the future. so do yourself a favor and trust no one with important  messages from the future. especially the person who tells you not to trust either of them.

i’m the kind of person that would make an excellent house guest. i have an eye for style, i love reading books by authors, and everybody who meets me always tells me i look like goldie hawn in her heyday. i’m pretty much a home owner’s dream!

just because some people didn’t go to law school doesn’t mean they’re not real lawyers. maybe there’s certain reasons why they couldn’t go, like they didn’t have enough money or they didn’t have the time or they had to have all their teeth replaced with lego pieces and every time they talk, legos fall out all over the place and people just grab them and start playing with them. this could be very distracting in court, obviously.

somedays i wish i didn’t have elbows so i could do more things with my arms like wrap them all the way around my back or use them as rulers to measure the walls in my house….or just let them fall real straight by my side so people at the grocery store think i’m a human robot.

i don’t know exactly how many people there are in the world but i have to think it’s over a million. i always see so many different people on the street, and now with cable television and the internet, it seems like i see even more people than i originally thought. i’m pretty sure i could count everyone and find out the exact number but i don’t have that kind of time. i’ve got a house full of unneutered mice to look after.

lately i’ve been thinking about dating my dentist. he’s always asking me out for croissants and complimenting me on my footwear. besides the fact that he’s short, extremely violent and wears a prosthetic nose two sizes too big for his face, i don’t see what’s stopping us. after all, my parents are always telling me they want me to marry a doctor. i know i could do better and marry a guy who sells bick pens or whatever but i don’t feel like waiting for prince charming to come along when a rich doctor is right in front of me. i mean, if he can get over the fact that i don’t have a discernible hairline and don’t believe in dinosaurs, surely i can accept his mean streak and rubber shnozzle. just as long as it doesn’t fall off on me while we’re making out.

a few months ago i wanted to surprise myself with something nice, like a sexy new scent or a long glittery necklace that shows off my elongated nape. i really wanted it to be a surprise so i went to barneys with my eyes closed and felt my way around the department store in search of the perfect present. as i was in the shoe department feeling all the shoes with my pudgy fingers, a man approached me and offered to assist me. i could see through my squinted eyes that he was tall and handsome, like a catalog model. plus, he seemed so kind and friendly, i couldn’t bring myself to tell him i wasn’t actually blind and that i was just trying to surprise myself with a present. for the rest of the day, i let him guide me around barneys as we giggled about things like long ankle hair and cindy crawford’s new denim inspired home collection for jc penny. we hit it off so well, i felt bad about tricking him all day. i knew if i wanted to be with him, i would have to confess my first lie and then immediately tell him an even bigger lie to distract him. without thinking, i opened my eyes and blurted out that i wasn’t blind but that my mother has sex with lobsters in her backyard. I have no idea why i said this, or where this came from, but he believed me. he was so disgusted by this news, he had totally forgotten i was supposed to be blind. it’s been three months and he still hasn’t said anything. he says he never wants to meet my mother but that’s okay, i’m pretty sure as long as i’m happy, she’s happy.

Some helpful etiquette tips we here at Uncooked have learned throughout the years to help you be a better guest…

Don’t take your shoes and socks off and submerge your feet in their furniture. You have no idea how filthy that couch or chair is that you’re nudging your toes into.

Don’t rummage through their electrical box or cut any wires unless you know what you’re doing or know someone who knows what they’re doing.

Ask permission to use and do everything, even if it’s just to go from one room to the other.

Don’t have the locks changed and surprise your host with a new set of keys while he or she is on the toilet.

Don’t go through their personal phone book and scratch out all the names and numbers of people starting with the letter r.

Don’t throw out any toiletries, bathroom products or food items that you think you might be allergic to.

Don’t pour all the laundry detergent down the garbage disposal and ask your host to pick up some more next time they’re at the store.

Don’t rip up their carpeting and install wood flooring while they’re out walking the dog at night.

Don’t lie and tell them you’re in town because you’re training to be a professional hairstylist to the stars if you’re not.

Don’t draw up plans with an architect to build an addition to the back of their house and make secret phone calls to the architect about said plans throughout your stay.

Don’t drain their pool or their neighbor’s pool in the middle of the night unless they specifically ask you to. If you’re unclear, get it in writing.

Don’t put their house on the market and field offers for them in your spare time.

Upon leaving, plug everything that you unplugged during your stay back in, even the plugs you unplugged that didn’t need to be plugged in in the first place.

i’ll never understand why doctors are always hanging out at hospitals. doctors are basically the most richest people in the world, they have so much money and such exquisite taste, you’d think they’d hate hospitals as much as the rest of us. not only is the food bad but the whole place smells like butts and fingers. maybe it’s just me but if i were a doctor, i sure as hell wouldn’t be hanging out at a hospital everyday. i’d be cruising around on my million dollar sailboat, talking flippantly to my under nourished boat crew about loafers and wrist watches, as if they could afford such fine statement pieces.